you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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