i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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