Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She bit a glass in half.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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