You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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