I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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