i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
