I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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