saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
