Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
