Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
