So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
