The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
