I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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