Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
