Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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