i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
