Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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