And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
