Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
