this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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