you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
