i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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