why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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