mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
farters have to be the big spoon...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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