PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
