dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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