I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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