ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
