bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
