he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
