I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
