she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
