My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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