If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
