You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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