how can u be prego again
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
