Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
