just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
