Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
