I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
