I got chris browned last night
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
