Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
