I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
