I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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