I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
