Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
