Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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