She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
