Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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