I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
