....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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