I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
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