We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
