Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
