brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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