Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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