I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
