I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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