he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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